Trans-Real News – Episode 14: Superstorm

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In which America and Canada are battered by a reality superstorm, and Walter gets carried away.

News Brief (0’12”)

  • We appear to be experiencing a Time Defect
  • The Slime Invades Hollywood
  • Effects of Cyberpunk Fashion may be permanent
  • Seattle creates a Beysian TAZ, then produces a squid revolution.
  • Vancouver suffers the attack of the 50ft. Indigo Children

Special Report with Walter Haversquirrel (1’47”)

I hear you, Toby! I am on the scene where a storm that has now reached an unprecedented 4.8 cuil has just turned much of Aptos into a carboniferous swamp full of megafauna.

There are giant fanged toads, and magnificent dragonflies twice the size of Men.

[Toby] How are you weathering the storm, Walter?

Well, Toby, as viewers can see, I have a specialized quantum locked umbrella, and hazardous vibration protective coat on me at the moment. I am also using some warding and grounding tricks to keep me safe that my grandfather learned back when he used to go drinking with Jack Parsons and Kenneth Anger. Folks, I don’t recommend you try this at home. I have both specialized equipment and special expertise.

Toby, I have just witnessed an Arthropleuria as long as a car climb to the top of the local bookstore. Simply amazing.Listen! The dragonflies have gone up to the rooftops! They’re- They’re singing! It is absolutely stunning – the kind of experiences you could have, if you could only withstand high cuil.

[Klie] For those of us not into paleontology, Walter, old boy, could you explain what that is. 

Oh yes… it is like a milipede of enormous proportions that ruled the earth about 350 million years ago! Simply magnificent!

Listeners, I am seeing a man running down the street.

Sir! Sir! Here quickly, take my umbrella. It’ll help.

[MAN] What the hell is happening?! I just got chased down the street by a nightmare crab thing.It tore my van to pieces.

Sir, were you not aware of the reality superstorm warnings affecting this area?

[MAN] Superstorm? What the hell do yo mean?! Oh sweet Jesus. Look I heard about those reality storms and stuff, but I thought it was just some crazy guy in a basement making stuff up.

Well, I’m afraid [Irreality counter beeps] Oh heavens! We are currently seeing a 5.1 cuil reading. Reality itself is bending in random ways that no longer have to obey any logic or physics as we understand them.

Oh, do you hear that? The dragonflies are starting to sing hymns.

[MAN] Is it the end of the world? Is the rapture coming? Should I be ready?.

Not to my knowledge, but at this level of irreality, anything is possible.Most likely things will level out into a new normal in a few days. But in the meantime, you should be in shelter. My umbrella can only do so much for you.

[MAN] Where should I go?

Okay, listen carefully, I will direct you to our studio offices. It’s just a few office pods and a container car,  but it is also the safest place in town from irreality.

What you do is you head down Rio DelMar all the way across Soquel, then  when you get to… You know what? If you follow my camera robot I will get it to just take you there. Hey what are you doing?

[MAN] I’m just trying to get a better look

No! Get the umbrella back over your


Listeners, my friend here just turned into a giant wooly sabre-toothed toad. (sigh). Go on, shoo. Hopefully he will change back, but at this cuil level, there’s just no telling. Go on.

Listeners the dragonflies have stopped singing and taken full flight again. It is absolutely beautiful. The color of emeralds, sapphires, and amethysts…

Oh wait… Hey get away! Eeee!

Walter Gets Carried Away (5’30”)

[Toby] Walter! Walter!  Can you [-kzzt-] hear me?

[Klie] Oh no! Poor Walter. I hope he’ll be alright. At least he still has his coat.

[Toby] We’ll send search teams for him as soon as we can.

[Klie] But not until the cuil drops below 2.5. 

[Toby] Yeah… yeah… Ahem…

[Klie] Just cut the broadcast, Toby. We should hunker down.

[Toby] Alright. We can get him back after the storm.

Music Credits

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