Trans-Real News – Episode 15: Patience & Fortitude

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The West Coast picks up the pieces, Desperately seeking Walter, settling into a new reality, a sexy case for sentry robots, and how to deal with a reality emergency.

News Brief

  • The Superstorm is abated, and the West Coast permanently changed
  • New Futuristic cities, both Cyberpunk and Gernsbackian
  • The Hive intends to bring Hollywood back to a Golden Age
  • Hollywood sleaze on the decline
  • Vancouver has been destroyed
  • Seeking Walter

Timespace Forecast (2’04”)

  • Guest forecaster Warren Haversquirrel
  • Global irreality stabilizing at 1.2‽
  • Returning to a New Normal will have side effects

This Week’s Sponsor (3’07”)

Bob and Ashley tell all about Apocalypse Inc.’s Guard Dog portable sentry turret.

Statement from the Authorities (6’00”)

The function of The Authorities is to provide Order through their singular Vision of Reality. Without Masters, Chaos would overtake you all. They provide a power which you must Obey. This function can include imposing order where Reality does not match their Will. But it is not to provide Safety or Security. Only total Obedience will provide those things.

The situation on Earth is not the Authorities’ Concern. You must find ways to  resolve matters on your own. Pray you do not allow conditions to reach the point where we must Intervene.

Commentary on the Authorities’ Statement by Pharaoh Zantetsuken Jefferson Invictus (7’02”)

[Pharaoh Zantetsuken Jefferson Invictus] Man, get out of here! I don’t talk to no paparazzi.

[Yaron Ioron] Not paparazzi, I promise

[PZJI] I don’t talk to no hack, neither.

[Yaron] Hack, yeah, okay, I will own that one. But, look, I want to hear your take on the Authorities’ statement, and I will air it raw and unedited.

[PZJI] I thought you Trans-Real News puppets had the Authorities’ hands pretty far up your asses.

[Yaron] Maybe once upon a time. But then they started killing our sources, blacking out the shit going down in the lower planes, and let our hometown get turned into a swamp full of giant frogs and man-eating dragnflies.

[PZJI] How do I know I can trust you.

[Yaron] Because I will hand you a full copy of the recording on a micro-SD card right after we’re done. If we cut anything, you can put it up online and wreck us.

[PZJI] It’s a start.

[Yaron] And I will give you a copy of a bunch of info we’ve been sitting on about Tul’Ophala, so if we don’t air that in the next month you can break it,too. And I might lose my job just for making you that offer.

[PZJI] You’re the one that barbarian cut down on the air, aren’t you.

[Yaron] Yeah.

[PZJI] Play me their statement again.

[Yaron] Okay, one sec…


[PZJI] I don’t know how they could spell it out more clearly. The Authorities aren’t here to help us, and they never were… just like anyone else in power ever was. ‘Do what we tell you, and at least you will know whose boot is on your neck.’ and ‘we have a Vision of the status quo, and you can trust us to keep it,’ ain’t exactly comforting sentiments. But they are at least they are being straightforward.

[PZJI] To paraphrase Brother Alinsky, ‘When your enemy is telling the world what they really think, pay attention.’

[PZJI] And if any of the dupes out there listening to Trans-Real News think that the Authorities care about your safety and security, I suggest they take a good long look at what’s left of California. Maybe they might finally figure out what is really worth resisting.

[Yaron] Thank you. Here’s your copy.

[PZJI] I want you to play everything since you hit record. Somebody’s got to hold you accountable for your promises, and it might as well be you.

[Yaron] The whole damn thing. I promise. 

Advisories (9’52”)

  • Stay tuned in to local radio frequencies for more info
  • It is a disaster zone out there for 1/3 of the planet’s surface area
  • If you are in a severely affected area, head to shelters
  • If you are in a moderately affected area look for volunteer cleanup groups to join
  • Be mindful of cults

At Home with Klie (11’52”)

[wine pouring, jazz music in background, phone rings]

[Klie] I was just thinking about you Toby. I hope you aren’t too mad at Yaron. I know it was a stunt, but it got us that statement.

[Toby] I’m not, actually. It feels good to be accountable like that. Maybe that needs to be our new brand.

[Klie] And how are the sponsors taking it?

[Toby] Well, Jim over at Psionics today asked me never to mention their upcoming features again, and we lost a bunch of upcoming campaigns from Substrate and Vogon’is. But, other groups like Hypermanly seem to think it will fit their image. I actually got a call from Dr. Fleishmesser over at Minions Inc even before we aired the segment, and said he knew what was coming.. He wants to run another, bigger ad

[Klie] He’s an old friend. I might have mentioned things to him at our game last night.

[Toby] Hunh.

[Klie] And how did you fare with the board?

[Toby] I was surprised that they didn’t ask me for a resignation on the spot. I was sure some of them wanted it.

[Klie] But you’re a founding member, Toby, surely they wouldn’t sack you?!

[Toby] I wouldn’t have been surprised. TRNN is a lot bigger than just Trans-Real News these days. Instead, they are playing some kind of game. They kept talking about the new forecaster that they were going to hire for the show. They said it was someone with more experience than Walter in Timespace.

[Klie] Hard to believe. It sounds like they were being mysterious.

[Toby] They knew they had me over a barrel. Whoever it is they start Wednesday.

[Klie] I’m glad it all worked out for you, T.

[Toby] Me, too.

[Klie] I’m kicking back with a bottle of wine and some music. If you need a drink hop on over. But if you do, bring a banishing gris-gris won’t you? I feel like something has been spying on me all day. And I am rarely wrong.

[Toby] Thanks. I’ll stop by.

Additional Credits

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