Trans-Real News – Episode 17: Parasite

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In which Yaron breaks Tu’Ophala’s dirty secrets, New Normal is finally established, and Klie tells you about new exploration opportunities.

News Brief

  • EXCLUSIVE: Is Tul’Ophala implanting alien parasites in people on purpose?
  • The Doomsayer’s Union releases a stupid A.I.
  • Retrograde Dynamics releases a horrible new snack food
  • Still seeking Walter

Timespace Forecast (1’52”)

  • Global irrealityreaches 0‽
  • Time distortions in the central and Eastern Americas

This Week’s Sponsor (3’02”)

Donna’s Bionics Removal offers you cloned replaces for that unwanted chrome.

Exclusive Report With Yaron Ioron (4’24”)

We have it on good authority that Tul’Ophala, the Necromancers for Hire that we have recently featured both in article, interview, and advertising here at Trans-Real News, have deliberately been implanting their clients with netherworldy parasites. For more on this story, here’s Yaron Ioron.

[Yaron] Thanks Toby! As our listeners might remember after my untimely death a little over a month ago, Tul’Ophala is a Necromantic cult that offers affordable resurrection services to the recently bereaved. In fact, my public murder and resurrection put them into the limelight not only here at Trans-Real News, but also on Psionics Today, Quantum magazine, Fracture Weekly, the Tomorrow-Yesterday show, and TIME.

And they may also remember that I had a very difficult recuperation, including a public attack on the air where I spoke in tongues and tentacles came out of my mouth. Here’s a clip, to remind out listeners.


Tul’Ophala assured me that nether parasites were a common and harmless side-effect of the reanimation process, alongside other, simpler effects like briefly glimpsing ghosts, nightmares, reduced body temperature, waking up in cold sweats, and dry mouth.

What they didn’t tell me was that these parasites were causing a percentage of those infected by the parasites became homicidal… or more to the point, the parasites became homicidal and forced their host to help them go on violent sprees from as simple as eating the neighbour’s pets, to full-out ritualistic murder, to berserk rampages.

Here’s a recording of an encounter between RCMP officers outside of Barrie, Ontario and a parasite host. Listener discretion is described, as this gets very graphic!

[Officer 1] Jesus, it just flipped a car with its bare hands

[Officer 2] Ma’am, ma’am it isn’t safe here, please get back inside.

[Skree, Metal tearing]

[Officer 1] What is that coming out of his face!

[Officer 3] I don’t know, but [thud] Oh [bleep] my leg. It threw a sign post right through my leg!

[Officer 1] Screw it [Gunfire!]

I have, and will post on an online archive 37 separate reports of violence done by people who are documented Tul’Ophala clients.

Nor are the parasites always temporary. I personally underwent a 6-hour exorcism to remove mine. Here is a brief interview with my exorcist.

[Yaron] Could you state your name and profession for the record.

[Papa Sam] They call me Papa Sam, I am an houngan and a professional exorcist. I also drive Uber.

[Y] You recently removed a parasite from me, is that correct?

[PS] That is correct. And it was a nasty one, too.

[Y] Have you removed parasites like it before?

[PS] A few times, yes. But never like this thing. Biggest, nastiest brain squid I’ve ever encountered.

[Y] And in your personal opinion, if you had not removed it, would it have gone away in a few weeks if left untreated.

[PS] Absolutely not. That thing was in there good and thriving, man. I think you would have died before it did.

[Y] How does one usually pick up a being like that?

[PS] I can’t say for sure. I am still trying to figure out what that one was. I was not familiar with the species. Though similar creatures are usually gained by eating demon flesh, or by drinking unfiltered water in the lower planes.

[Y] Is it possible I picked it up while my soul was migrating back to my body during a resurrection.

[PS] Not likely. That kind of parasite happens, but they are usually incorporeal; they don’t grow tentacles.

[Y] So, in your opinion, is it possible that this creature was implanted in me?

[PS] It seems most likely, unless you’ve been slumming it off of the Earth a lot lately.

[Y] Thank you, Papa Sam.

I also managed to take a sample of my parasite and have it identified by an expert in monstrous life forms, Doctor Gustav Fleischmesser.

[Yaron] Dr. Fleischmesser, thank you for seeing me again.

[Fleischmesser] Of course, dear boy. It is a pleasure to see you again.

[Y] Doctor could you tell me…

[creashing, snarling]

[FM] Not now, Timmy, I am in the middle of an interview. Be good and you can go out and play later. Sorry about that.

[Y] Not a problem, doctor. I was wondering if you had managed to identify the parasite I brought to you last week.

[FM] Identified? Heavens, no! This creature has never been catalogued before. It is a totally new entity. But I can tell you where it came from.

[Y] How can you do that?

[FM] Its DNA of course! This creature bears a strong genetic relationship with ________. It is most certainly its spawn or fleshcrafted servant.

[Y] and who exactly is _____?

[FM] _______ is an ancient alien being of that lovecraftian sort that shows up now and then. It is horrible, mind-bending, and does not conform to our rules of reality, or how life forms should function. Powerfully psychic, it can teach strange powers to those that please it.

[Y} And where is ________’s influence felt on earth.

[FM] He is followed by a few evil cults. In North America he is venerated both by the Brotherhood of the Tri-Lobed Eye and by trans-Atlantic cult called Tul’Ophala. In Africa…

[Y] Thank you doctor, that is what I needed to know.

[FM] I wish I had more to say. I am afraid Timmy there got out of his cage and ate the specimen shortly after I had verified my notes.

[sad snarl]

[FM] You have been very naughty, Timmy!

[Y] Thank you Doctor Fleischmesser.

Not a typical ethereal parasite, but an in-the-flesh spawn of their god. Is Tul’Ophala infecting people that come to them for resurrection with the offspring of their alien god? I can’t give you positive proof, but listeners, I am going to keep digging. In the meantime, it is clear that Tul’Ophala’s services are not safe to use.

Travel Advisories (11’25”)

  • The price of resurrection may be going up.
  • Exploring the Homarind Ruins
  • The Slime may be receding.

Additional Credits

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