Trans-Real News – Episode 18: Getting Laid Across the Multiverse

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The lower planes are closed off, the slime is disappearing, and the Head Mafia surrenders. Torg notes an uptick in conquistadors and time confusion. The horde is on the move. Yaron interviews the Freelance Police, but something happens. Necromantic cults are advised to expect a hail of gunfire.

News Brief (0’22”)

  • The Head Mafia surrenders to upper planar law enforcement rather than face the Freelance Police.
  • Total information blackout and travel ban on most of the lower planes.
  • The slime is vanishing.

Timespace Forecast (2’11”)

  • Time glitches travel in a wave around the Pacific and Indian Oceans
  • Quito is stuck in a time distortion, expect conquistadors and Incan chic
  • The Horde begins its reign of terror again

Our Sponsor (3’28”)

Bob and Ashley tell us about their new practical guide to planar travel: Getting Laid Across the Multiverse.

Interview with the Freelance Police (4’56”)

Yaron Ioron recently caught up with the Freelance Police who have managed to win the unprecedented victory against the Head Mafia, and convinced them to give us an interview live here on Trans-Real News.

[Yaron] Welcome to Trans-Real News, officers! Thank you for coming by! What should we call you?

[Officer 1] Well, I think officers are going to have to do to keep us legally distinct from characters you’ve been lovingly lampooning all season now.

[Officer 2] Way to break the fourth wall, partner!

[1] Oh, good point, little buddy, where are my manners? How meta are we allowed to get here?

[Y] Well, we mostly play it straight, but for you guys, we can make an exception.

[2] Talk about hospitality!

[1] Great! I love a good postmodern pastiche!

[2] You need to cut back on those, pard’, they’re starting to affect your waistline! I’ll settle for one of those doughnuts.

[Y] Please help yourself!

[2] gwrawr mmph!

[Y] So, Officers, I think some congratulations are in order! This is the first time in history the crooks have been so scared of the cops that a whole syndicate just surrender from the bosses to the soldiers. How did you manage such an incredible success?

[1] Well, there was some dogged police work involved, obviously. And being free-lancers we aren’t really stuck with pesky things like proper procedure, a schedule, or the onerous demands of a criminal justice system.

[2] Not to mention my penchant for excessive and comical levels of violence.

[1] I still have nightmares about that bowling alley buddy!

[2] Ah memories! I bowled a perfect game!

[1] And with such uneven balls, too!

[Y] There are a lot of people who worry that your brand of excessive brutality needlessly blurs the line between justice and pure revenge, especially if you chose to enforce the rights of the wrong kind of people.

[1] Don’t worry! We definitely have scruples!

[2] And besides, those people couldn’t afford us anyway…

[Y] Still, I… Y’know… I feel…

[1] Hey, what’s with the hack?

[2] he appears to have fallen into some kind of trance. Hey, are you okay? Is there a witch-doctor in the house?

[Torg] Step aside, lovably violent cartoon animals! This is a job for a true barbarian.

[Toby] Damnit, Torg! Get the hell off of him!

[Torg] I am not trying to harm him, fool! I am trying to save him, now Klie, hand me a lighter!

[Klie] Here

[lighter sounds]

[Klie] How did you know I had one?

[Torg] Because you are the right kind of degenerate, now hush! I must concentrate!

[1] Should we do something?

[2] Absolutely! We should get these doughnuts out of the way, and help ourselves to the advisory guy’s stash.

[Toby] How do you know what kind of counter-spell to use.

[Torg] Hush, or I shall feed you your own teeth! Have you not seen how he gets all hazy and tongue-tied when he talks of Tul’Ophala? This is Necromancy. They created a hole in his aura where the life force could leak out if ever he defied them.

[Torg] Damnation it is too late! These Tul’Ophala witches have done a coward’s work today.

[2] It looks like we witnessed a murder, Pard’.

[1] It does at that, good buddy.

[2] Should we do something about it?

[1] I dunno. The “Free” in freelance doesn’t mean we take just any case. Just the one The Chief tells us to.

[Torg] I shall pay you your weight in doughnuts to bring retribution on Tul’Ophala!

[2] That is a tempting offer.

[1] Wait, didn’t you kill this guy once?

[Torg] Yes, but now he is of my clan. None shall give insult to the Trans-Real News without retribution.

[2] You are just an HR Nightmare waiting to happen, aren’t you fella’?

[Torg] Go forth! Blood and doughnuts await!

[1] Well, why not. We’re between cases. You’ve got us until the chief says otherwise.

[2] I’ll drive!

[Toby] Dead again. Jesus Christ.

[Klie] I’ve called the hospital for what its worth.

[Toby] Not much at this juncture. Klie… what other options do we have for bringing him back?

[Klie] A few. I will make some calls…

Advisories (9’42”)

  • Necromantic cults may expect a rain of bullets
  • With the Slime receding and the Lower planes closed, it may be time to go treasure hunting in the Upper Planes
  • The Slime still has to be somewhere. Be alert!

Additional Credits

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