Trans-Real News – Episode 29: California

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California remains the heart of strange and unreal news, thanks to anarchists, dinosaurs, alien storytellers, and indigo children. Toby and Klie find out what a “Qlippoth” is. Walter gets a new nickname.

News Brief (0’19”)

  • Vogon’is and the USAF cooperate to reinforce Area 51
  • Indigo Children flock to Baker, CA to listen to Visitor Xorg
  • Death cults clash in England
  • Plant-Based Animals are not very tasty

Forecast (2’33”)

  • The Aussieflora Hive Mind has consumed most irreality globally.
  • Invader Xorg and a local burger bar in Baker, CA absorb the rest.
  • Evan asks, “How high would the cuil count have to be for the lessons in my PolySci class to actually be correct?”

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Journal From Beyond (5’30”)

[Klie] This is Klie Maxwell reporting from… well… Earth. Sort of. On Wednesday, Toby and I breached a heavily guarded and warded ruin in Grammaton, and found a portal that was marked with numerous warnings, in a place that no one had been in for centuries, from the look of it. It took me a long time to open the seal, but given the state of the area, we weren’t interrupted. Where we ended up was… How do I even begin to describe it?

[Toby] A dead Earth. There were buildings, streets, cars… but everything was empty. There were no plants, no animals, nothing. It was like all life was just erased around 1985, from what we see in the stores. The sun was distant, cold, and brown. The temperature was freezing. Thankfully we were able to break into a store and get some fur coats. The air is thin and foul, too.

[Klie] At first we thought it was totally abandoned. Eventually we saw something slithering through an old storm drain. It was boneless, tentacled, and one-eyed. It seemed confused to see us.

[Toby] We got in an old propane car and made our way up to San Francisco, because it might be easy to tell if there was major differences between our reality and this one with all the landmarks.And we looked for news.But found every book and magazine was erased. There were no written words left.

[Klie] The only thing we found different was the paint job on the Golden Gate bridge.

[Klie] sometimes you could tell what a word had been because it left negative space on a painted sign, but mostly, it was just blank.

[Toby] You can’t seem to get to the Astral Plane from here. It is cut off, except for specific portals. No drugs, ritual, or projection seems to work. I’m beginning to think we may be stranded.

[Toby] This is Toby Damt, reporting from another Earth. We decided to try a ritual site we knew of from the old days when magic was mostly just the pursuit of nerdy girls, bord rich guys, and teenaged boys who really like to see tits. It worked… but we ended up on yet another Earth.

[Klie] This one seemed to stop around 1975. It was easier to tell that this was a different Earth, what with a statue of Lenin in Ghiradelli square. But again, aside from occasional squirming things you catch out of the corner of your eye.? Dead. No real record of what happened.

[Toby} We are now on our 6th Earth… This one is the first where we have gotten some evidence ot what happened. Here, it seems like life stopped in the late 90s. There a signs of some kind of battle here, And damage to the buildings that looks like they had been wormed through by roots or vines or something. But again, it has been erased.

[Klie] We ran out of rations awhile back, and have been subsisting on the kind of crap that can go for centuries without decaying in closed wrappers. I can just feel my cells weeping. We are going to see if we can get back to Grammaton the way we came in.

[Toby] We made it back to the slimescape of Grammaton. It looks like time itself didn’t even pass outside the Qlippoth. 

[Klie] We are headed to the nearest Hive Bar to get blasted. Then we are, if we feel brave enough, going to go back in and see if we can’t find anything within another half-dozen Earths. But I have a funny feeling we have an answer about what happened already.

[Toby] You think that Archon’s ranting meant something.

[Klie] I’m starting to put the pieces together, and I don;t like the picture I’m making.

[Toby] I take it not the part about “Ivory bicycle shoe fins.”

[Klie] No, not that part.

[Toby] Anything you care to share before we make the dead drop?

[Klie] Not before a drink, Toby.

Additional Credits

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