Trans-Real News – Episode 36: Anarchy in the Upper Planes

| 0 Comment| 6:30 am

From the shelter of a sea cave, TRN broadcasts information about the war to Resist the Reset and the Barbarian conquest of the Upper Planes.

Pirate Broadcast (1’03”)

This is Toby Damt and Trans-Real News reporting to you from a sea cave near Santa Cruz California. Our apologies to our carrier station.

With the irreality released by the destruction of the Aussieflora Hive Mind, timespace distortions coming from Zyante, and, a gathering of thousands of Indigo Children, we are seeing the worst of global reality storms that feel like an aftershock of last month’s superstorm.

It’s bad out there on the California Coast, and, our sources tell us it is being felt all along the Pacific and Indian Oceans. 

[Klie] We managed to find someone’s stash here! And may be suffering from a slightly reduced level of professionalism…

[Warren and Walter] Skoll!

Along the fringes of the neoprimordial marsh, the dragonflies are active in song and ritual. Given that they appear to be seeking out Walter Haversquirrel, we were forced to move as far South as we dared.

[Walter] She wants me for a consort!

[Klie] Do I even dare ask if you…

[Walter] Heavens no! I think that is just an excuse to eat me afterwards!

[Klie] That’s not that different from the dating scene all over.

[Toby] Any farther, and we would have either had to run into the vortex around the indigo children, or head into the Central Valley, which is definitely getting into bat country.

In the meantime, we have been receiving reports from Yaron Ioron on the events of the Barbarian Raids in the Upper Planes. It appears that the Archons have entirely quit the Authorities’ service. Many are ill or disoriented due to the Televistic slime. It took the Barbarians very little time to establish that the Authorities have thirteen strongholds across five of the Upper Planes and have been storming them systematically, The Authorities have been cornered and captured one after another.

In some cases the Barbarians are finding themselves in competition with rogue Archons that have turned on the Authorities and have been storming Authority Strongholds situated above the televistic mire.

For more information on the reality storms, here is Walter Haversquirrel 

Timespace Forecast (3’08”)

Listeners, I hope you have managed to find shelter, and continue to keep safe in the face of another round of reality storms. If you need a review of the contents of a good Reality Storm Emergency Kit, here is my quick summary -stripped down because I don’t have to please any sponsors!

[Klie] Damn straight!

 A local magazine or postcard of major landmarks in an envelope of quantum-fixed fabric. A computer or smartphone and access to some webcams. You might want to use something like a hive telecom server that will still be up if the normal wires are down.

You should also have enough bottled water, simple food with less than six ingredients all of which should be pronounceable, a hand cranked radio, first aid kit, and something valuable to trade. Gold, gasoline, bullets, beer… the usual.

A standard  irreality detector that can actually reads up to 4 according to a consumer reports or review.

And a gun or magic sword. Preferably non-cursed. If you don’t have one, buy a cheap mall sword, and find your local Chaos Magic crowd or Wiccan coven and get them to give it a cheap blessing. It might only last until the nail polish rubs off the blade… but if the nail polish rubbed off on the ribcage of an attacker, it was worth the cash!

[Klie] Or gold, gasoline, beer, bullets…

In the meantime, my ZOGUG network is only partially operational, but from what I can tell, these storms are not nearly as terrifying as the last superstorm. With irreality only reaching up around 2.5‽, although that is still enough to produce new and unfamiliar dangers.

Here in Santa Cruz we are seeing a hell of a lot of vampires hanging out on the boardwalk, and a sudden trend towards pop metal saxophone.

[Klie] That’s one thing I always hated about Santa Cruz… all the damn vampires.

I’m afraid as we were headed to this location we saw a family of four transform into australopithecines, and hed back up into the trees. When we asked, the father of the family had said that coming down from the trees had been a bad idea in the first place.

As we head further along the coast towards Monterrey and Pacific Grove, the presence of Indigo Children is leading to much higher, but relatively less random reality warping is taken place. It appears that Pacific Groves waterfront parkland is being converted into some kind of strange living temple of greenery and butterflies. The Indigo Children, it would appear, have a ceremony of their own planned. I would expect something big to happen along the Monterey Bay in the coming week.

Back to you, Toby.

Report from the Front (5’51”)

I will now play you the latest transmission from our planar war correspondent Yaron Ioron.

[Yaron] I heard we managed to collect head numbers 11 and 12 in that last raid, Torg.

[Torg] Just 11, the last two must be holed up in this final stronghold.

[Yaron] Then who…

[Torg] This is just a snide cur of an Authority’s retainer who dared tell me his princess was in another castle.

[Yaron] I hate that.

[Torg] Indeed. Intelligence man! Prove your worth and offer some intelligence.

[Yaorn] What can you tell me about the tactical situation here.

[Torg] This last fortress is a harder target than most of the others. They were not foolish enough to build on low ground, but the hill they are on is small. That makes the television sludge a liability. And has kept the Archons around here from going crazy. Despite it looking like some chintzy 70s Hollywood pastiche mansion, it is surprisingly well fortified, and their snipers have proven a nuisance. With the doors barricaded there are no entrances larger than a microwave oven on the lower floors. It’s like a Porn studio: opulent, tacky, badly laid out, and optimized form privacy and paranoia.

[Yaron] Man, you have been hanging out in the 20th century way too long. How would you say that compares to the other compounds you’ve besieged in the last 84 hours or so?

[Torg] It’s a challenge. The owner of this one is more paranoid than most, but no less arrogant. And it is about to hurt him.

[Yaron] You’ve got a play to make? Aye! Bring me the good doctor.

[Yaron] Hordemaster Skullcrusher is referring to a long time supporter of Trans-Real News both before and after the Reset, and a major ally of the Resistance and the Horde, Dr. Fleischmesser. Good afternoon, Dr. F.!

[Dr. F.] Ah, Yaron, my boy so good to see you.

[Timmy] Yaron! [Snarl]

[Dr. F.] Timmy! Nein! No hugs right now, you are too excited.

[Timmy] [sad snarl]

[Dr. F.] I hope you have a new character rolled up for next time I can host a game! You and Klie had quite a bad time with the dice!

[Torg] To the matter at hand, Doctor!

[Dr. F.] Yes. Of course, Hordemaster. Here, in this birdcage is specimen alpha [cloth rustles] Where is specimen Alpha! Timmy?!

[Timmy] [sheepish snarl]

[Dr. F.] I said I would give you a snack later! I should have expected this. David, send in beta. Ah here we are! Specimen Beta. Adorable, is he not: He is derived from genes from a capybara, a hive bar bouncer, a touch of nether parasite, and just a splash of mako shark.

[Yaron] Its… umm… Horrifying?

[Torg] Verily it is your cutest death machine yet!

[Dr. F.] I call them grazers. This little creature has a metabolism and growth rate that is astounding. I first created them as a proposal for eradicating the Aussieflora Hive mind. I am now already breeding a fourth generation. And they feed on a slime! I raise them as little terrorlets specifically from extract of animal training videos.

[Torg] Will they do what is needed?!

[Dr. F.] Oh yes! Simply sound the whistle and watch as my little grazers climb in every port they have on that horrible mansion and attack anyone and anything that smells of gunpowder or lithium ion batteries. And once they  get truly hungry they will chew their way back out to get to the slime.

[Torg] When can they be ready?

[Dr. F.] They are ready now!

[Torg] Then they shall lead the charge and Torg’s Hammerheads shall follow!

[Torg] Make ready my warriors! We shall follow the beasts in the charge! They shall root out those snipers and allow us the freedom to batter down the doors! The last of the Authorities dies tonight!

[Horn, Whistle, Roaring]

[Dr. F] Zerg RUUUSH!


[Yaron] Torg, I don’t look the like of that turet up top! It looks like its tracking us!

[Torg] Then they are staring at the face of death!

[Energy ray]

[Yaron] Torg! Holy shit! Torg are you okay?!

[Torg] Cowards with death rays! Help me up, my left side isn’t working!

[Yaron] Come on, Torg nobody gets to kill you but me!

[Torg] What are you looking at, dogs! Take that tower and bring me the heads of its masters. Let the reporter drag me to a shaman! Go!

[Yaron] Torg’s hurt and I am going to pull back. But already the shooting has stopped from within the compound. It looks like the grazers are doing their job.This is Yaor Ioron, signing off…

Conclusion (10’44”)

[Toby] Well… shit.

[Walter] If he dies will they bring him back?

[Klie] It’s against their religion, I’m afraid. Dead is dead.

[Toby] Good thing he is too tough to die.

[Klie] I sure hope so, Darling.

[Toby] It looks like Terry is calling us. I…

[Klie] Answer it. This is Klie Maxwell for Trans-Real News. Signing off.

Additional Credits

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